I’ve been a pretty good boy this year

Okay so I’m fairly close to hitting the crisis of being older than I used to be. As a rule I normally wouldn’t ask for much to keep me occupied.

I only recently picked up a smartphone for myself and it’s probably more on the C+ student side of smart than the Straight A’s type. It took my laptop actually completely quitting before I replaced it, and that was still almost two months later. My current vehicle has been with me for every mile over the last eleven years and I have no plans to replace it.

Well at least I didn’t until I viewed an article today showcasing a new hybrid vehicle. Upon reading it I began to salivate and had to pick up a paper towel to wipe my desk off. Before long I had used up the entire roll.

I think I’ve been a pretty good boy this year and figure Santa needs to know of my current wish list. It now contains only one item for myself…

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BMW i8

After a bit more thought I realize Santa may have a tough time getting it in his sack and the Elves might try to keep it for themselves, so maybe I should just ask the family to go together and buy it for me. If they go ahead and start pooling money now I figure I will have it by at least the year 2199.

It’s a good investment really. Being a hybrid vehicle it’s low emissions and high mileage. The suicide style doors give easy access for both driver and passenger. The ability to drive it and zip around corners while cranking great tunes would ease any leftover tension after a long hard day at work and since it’s a BMW and has a price just shy of $150000 it’s very reasonable. Besides I feel like I’m worth it. Just think about how happy it would make me.

Now I just need to decide on a color. Red is probably a bit too flashy. Maybe a nice metallic blue or glossy black highly chromed out. I need to decide quickly, I’ve only got another 185 years before It’s mine.

 

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Case File 01: Money for nothing cause stealing is free

Welcome to The J.E.D. Files (Judge every deed). A new site feature I have decided to try out. Normally I don’t delve much into popular topics or news items but I thought I might try something different. With this feature I will be looking back at the previous week and sharing my opinion on a few stories from the news, the world around or wherever I find inspiration.

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As with any opinion it is possible you may not like or agree with mine and that’s okay. You are more than welcome to express your thoughts, concerns or own opinions in the comments section.


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Case 01A: So it happened again this week. A member of a professional sports team got into trouble with the law. No it wasn’t for drugs, assault, drunk driving or domestic dispute. The player in question, with a base salary from the Dallas Cowboys of $495000 a year, was charged with shoplifting. What was so important he couldn’t waste his time or money standing in line to pay for just like everyone else? It was underwear and cologne!

If he was a baseball player I might could understand it. After all those guys are taught that stealing is a good thing, though only while on the baseball diamond. So what is the punishment for being a complete idiot? You get charged with a misdemeanor, fined by your team and suffer the ire of the world. I can’t imagine the response from his teammates upon entering back into the locker room. Then again maybe he got a hero’s reception.

I mean I just don’t understand the culture or what makes someone who is being paid plenty to do a job they love want to chance having it all taken away over a couple hundred dollars worth of unmentionables. I hope Mr. Joseph Randle has learned his lesson and decides to not try stealing again. If he wants the thrill from stealing maybe he can hire someone else to do it for him. They could wear a pair of Google Glasses with the camera and sound so he could relive it over and over. After all it seems he is not very good at it himself.


influenza-156098_640Case 01B: Okay I admit Ebola is scary as shit. The thought of the world being overwhelmed by a disease with no cure and such an alarming rate of deaths is not something to ignore. On the other hand it’s not like it is something new that nobody ever heard about before. The disease has been around for many years and there have been outbreaks previously that were contained.

Maybe I’m wrong but I haven’t yet rushed out to stock up on radiation suits or compile an arsenal for the coming zombie apocalypse as the news would suggest. Granted I live in a part of the country not yet affected by the outbreaks and I don’t plan on any trips anytime soon. Still I don’t see the need for so much media speculation on what could, might or under the worst possible circumstance is possible. Why not focus more on what needs to be done to stop it instead of what might happen to spread it?

I think we should worry about the areas that are suffering thousands of cases. If we can stop those outbreaks then the chance of it spreading across continents will not be a possibility. I just can’t see spending my days focused on the news waiting for the worst. It’s not like their is a lot I can do to stop it if it comes my way. I’ll just go on about my life as normal until I have to do different.


wordpress-logoCase 01C: What the heck wordpress? I go away for a few weeks and come back to find the reader has switched up sides. Why is the posts on the right and other boxes on the left? What did we do to deserve this awful change? My mouse pointer is so confused.


So what do you think of the new feature? Should I make The J.E.D. Files a weekly thing?

 

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Just the directions please

compass-32477_640It was late in the evening when I heard the knock at the front door. Who could be visiting at this time of night? It had been a few days since I had even spoken to another person and that was fine with me. People just meant problems and I was perfectly content to not share theirs.

I reluctantly headed over and opened the door. In front of me stood a defeated man. He looked tired and a bit aggravated. His hands were covered in grease and his shirt was soaked in sweat. He looked up and started to speak when I stopped him.

“I’m not buying whatever you are selling and I’m not interested in hearing the good word!”  I told him quickly.

“Sir, I’m not here for any of that. I just need to know where the nearest gas station is?” He replied

“What’s the matter, thought all you youngsters had those gp thingies. Like maps and stuff on everything.”

“I don’t have one and I’ve been walking for a mile looking. I just need some directions and I’ll leave you alone.”

“It’s funny you ask, which way did you come from.” I asked, then continued. “Down here about a block to the left there used to be a store, but it closed about three years ago. Now the only place around is up by Bill’s old place, but their gas is outrageous. I remember buying gas for less than fifty cents a gallon. In my day a dollar would get you anywhere you wanted and a meal on the way.”

“Sir, I just need to know where it is? Please I need to get going.”

“I told you there’s one over by Bill’s old place, there at the crossroads coming from Jordan’s farm. You just don’t listen”

“Sir, I don’t know Bill or Jordan’s farm. I’m just passing through. Can you please just tell me which direction to go?”

“If you would stop interrupting I could tell you. I swear the younger generation just has no respect nowadays. You try to help and all they want is to get going, be on the move, do drugs and go drunk driving. Is that your problem boy. Did you drive drunk into a tree?”

“No sir. I’m sorry. Please go on, I am listening now.”

“Okay then. you know my son was just like you. All hot tempered and easily irritated. It cost him when he got into a bar fight a few years back. He’s in jail now. You ever been to prison?”

“No sir.”

“Well you keep up with that attitude and you’ll be there soon. He never thought he would be there either. I told him but he would just ignore me. Guess my years and experience don’t count for anything. I’ve been through more in my days than you could ever even imagine, but still you just think I’m an old man. Give me the information and then go back to dying. I know that’s what you are thinking.”

“That’s not even, I mean, I would never…”

“I know how you think. You’re probably headed over to that whore house in town. Get your thingy polished off and forget about the old guy who helped get you there. Hell, you ever think maybe I might need a good polishing. No, hell I’m probably too old and can’t get going, right? Boy I could tell you some stories that would make your ears bleed. I was stationed overseas, hell there are probably a half dozen kids out there I never even met.”

I looked up and realized the man was gone. No thank you, nothing. Ungrateful little piss-ant. Get the information and take off. Just another rude youngster. I guess it’s back to the quiet of my empty house.


Story written for today’s Daily Prompt: Circuitous Paths

A stranger knocks on your door, asking for directions from your home to the closest gas station (or café, or library. Your pick!). Instead of the fastest and shortest route, give him/her the one involving the most fun detours.

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Vacation’s over, time to blog again

I think I’m ready to get into the blogging of my random, weird, strange, unusual thoughts again. My vacation was wonderful, enjoyable and way too short. Me and the wife made the trek halfway across the country visiting family and having fun before heading back refreshed and ready to take on anything. Then the next day happened and I was ready to yank my hair out! Ain’t life great?

Vacation's over! Welcome back to everyday life!

Vacation’s over! Welcome back to everyday life!

We spent the time away traveling the roads around Texas, made it to Rangers stadium and toured the ballpark. Did you know there is an entire other world underneath the ballpark. All the locker rooms, equipment storage, press rooms and practice areas are under the stands and away from the field. It was really cool and we even witnessed Yu Darvish working out for his comeback off the disabled list.

We also visited Ripley’s Odditorium and Louis Toussand’s House of Wax. My first ever visit to a wax museum and it was pretty awesome. Some of the wax figures were amazing and some were a bit scary looking. The unusual things in Ripley’s were amazingly unusual and odd. I guess the name really fits the place.

A toilet paper wedding dress

A toilet paper wedding dress

I took a fair share of some memorable, amazing pictures. These are just a couple I thought turned out great.

Wax Wizard of Oz

Wax Wizard of Oz

We visited the largest Flea Market I have ever been to and I’ve been to quite a few. The place was way too big to walk entirely in one day. There was an actual Subway restaurant in the middle of it and they charged you to park. You could purchase tickets for the small amusement park inside with a miniature roller coaster and one of those tower rides that lifted you up in the air then dropped you.

We left the place with a couple new purses for the wife, a dvd for me and a new pet. Yepp, I said a new pet. Despite my protests (which were not very convincing) we added a new member to the family. After losing our cat Charlotte last year we had talked about getting another kitten, but I wasn’t expecting to have a cross country traveling companion. She was on her best behavior during the trip back and has instantly made herself at home with us. Please say hi to our new little one Gipsy…

Hi everyone!

Hi everyone!

We made it home and life returned to normal, well sort of normal and then scary. We arrived home at about five in the morning and went to bed after driving the twenty hour trip. Only a few hours after waking I got a call my mom had passed out, fell and was being ambulanced to the hospital. I spent the first night back at the emergency room with her and some of my other family, then had to get up the following morning and head back to work.

Long, worrisome story short, her medicine had caused some problems and she spent four days in the hospital before coming home. She is doing well now but still recuperating.  Meanwhile I had to deal with a desk full of notes and need to do items upon my arrival back at work which was expected. What wasn’t expected was having to do it while dealing with the high up bosses being around almost the entire week. Always fun when they show up and scare everyone into running around the office in desperation mode.

The bosses are coming! The bosses are coming!

The bosses are coming! The bosses are coming!

I have finally caught back up to my life and even broke down and purchased a new laptop. I am ready to get started back with my blogging routine, I just hope the blogging world is ready to accept my craziness again. The Notorious J.E.D. is back and full of ideas, opinions and stories. Thank you for having me.

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I blog because I can – and because I have/had a working laptop!

A note to say I’m still around and not by any means giving up on my blogs, but posting recently has been tough due to a couple factors…

  • Work has been hectic
  • My brain has been in a bit of a haze
  • My laptop is basically kaput…

BrokenlaptopThe screen has gotten so bad on my laptop it hurts my eyes to spend any amount of time using it. With the upcoming vacation I’ve had planned for months there isn’t extra money in my budget to replace it right now.

A new laptop is very much in the future plans, but the first real vacation in a couple decades takes precedence. Without a new laptop and with little free time recently the blogs are suffering. My thoughts are stuck in my head wanting out, but circumstances are not cooperating.

I’m working on funds to replace my failing technology right now having listed a few pieces of my personal comic collection on eBay hoping for a few takers (anyone want to trade a working laptop for Amazing Spider-Man 300, first appearance of Venom?).

It will probably take a few weeks before I have enough to fund my purchase. In the meantime I hope to enjoy a long needed vacation and find inspiration for future posts I’ll need when I get the blogs back up to full speed.

I may pop in and out but posting frequently, reading my favorite blogs or commenting regularly are a bit out of the question right now. Just wanted everyone to know the what’s, why’s and where’s of the notorious JED and his blogging powers.

Thanks for sticking with me until I’m ready to release the pent up crazy thoughts inside this head of mine.

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All good deeds

75-08-august-31st-2014I sat at the desk and stared at the stack of unpaid bills. I thought about all the worry, the stress they caused. The checkbook was laying out in front but the news it held was just too much to handle.

Klak, Klak, Klak

The empty change jar seemed almost to be laughing, mocking the family. The words past due were contained on multiple letters and envelopes. In the corner the empty pill bottles were stacked. The post it notes attached read “prescriptions ready. Pay?”

Klak, Klak, Klak

The more I stared at the desk and the stress it contained the more I smiled. I was happy I could help this family escape all this tension. It felt wonderful to have done my good deed today.

Klak, Klak, Klak

I reached down and picked up the knife, wiping off the excess blood. It was time for me to move on, there were more good deeds to be done. Tomorrow was another day.


Short story written for the Sunday Photo Fiction prompt.

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Dr. Madfunny2 and the start of the Robot Apocalypse

It had been a while since I had seen or even heard from my strange uncle Dr. Madfunny2. I couldn’t help but wonder what he had been up to that had kept him occupied recently. I decided it was time to find out and make sure he hadn’t gotten himself into trouble again.

I headed over to his place a bit hesitant. When it comes to dealing with a mad scientist you never know what to expect. I had already witnessed a few explosions, a barrage of clones and a revenge attempt with a remote controlled forklift that went completely wrong, so I knew this could be a weird day.

I knocked on the door but there was no answer. This was nothing unusual. If the good Dr. was in his lab he would be too involved to hear or care about visitors. I reached down and turned the knob until the door opened. You would think someone who was always experimenting with dangerous objects might need a security system, but the Dr. couldn’t be bothered with safety.

As I entered I noticed metallic parts and supplies everywhere. There were boxes and boxes stacked along the halls and in the front room. What was the Dr. into now and why did he need all these parts? It looked as though there were several boxes that contained batteries, a few with computer boards and lots of wire.

I headed further into the house and figured I would have to make my way to the basement. Since no one was around upstairs the only other place the Dr. could be was where he usually was, his basement lab. Weird thing was as I walked down the steps I couldn’t hear the music he usually played while experimenting. I never understood how Madonna’s Like a Virgin album got the creative juices flowing, but that was the Doc’s favorite. Today though, all was quiet except a slight beeping.

The lab was darker than normal but I noticed a light coming from the storage room in the back. As I walked across the room I saw what the parts upstairs were being used for. There in the middle of the room was the most awesome robot I had ever seen. It must have been charging as a wire was plugged directly into the fuse box and I realized that was where the beeping was coming from. It looked complete and I found myself intrigued at it’s design. It appeared to have all the attributes that could make it useful. The hands, legs and arms were human like but the head was squared off and looked to contain quite the advanced computer system.

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Laying on the table in front was some type of laser. Was the Dr. planning to add weapons to this robot? What did he have planned now where he needed a weaponized robot? This could not be good. It might be lucky I decided to check on him before he does something stupid, again.

The door to the storage room was locked which was weird. I used a screwdriver from the table to pop the flimsy lock open figuring the Dr. probably locked himself in the storage room and had been stuck there a while. I was at least partially right. He was sitting in the corner of the room, tied to the wall with electrical wire and his mouth covered in duck tape. I ran over and pulled the tape loose.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Ouuuch. hat damn tape hurts! Hurry, untie the wire and get me out of here before it finishes charging.” He replied.

“What? The robot did this? Why?”

“It’s a long story we don’t have time for right now. We need to stop it from finishing the others first!”

“The others?”

“Just help me up and follow me”

We headed out the lab past the robot that seemed a bit more menacing now. Up the stairs and out the back of the house until we reached the garage.

“You need to help me get the robot shells out of the garage. We are going to pile them in the pool and then bring out all the extra parts from inside the house. I will take care of the rest.”

He opened the garage door to reveal rows of robot bodies. There must have been fifty or more lined from one end to the other. He grabbed the hand truck and began hauling them one by one to the empty pool, piling them inside.

“Start bringing out the parts from inside. Make sure to get all the computer boards first. We need to destroy it all.”

I didn’t question him. I ran in and began grabbing everything I could hold and returning to the pool, dumping it in. After fifteen or more trips the house was empty and the pool was full.

“Now stand back. This might get messy.” he said as he tossed in what looked like a grenade.

There was a quick flash that nearly blinded me, but there was no explosion. As I gained my sight and looked back I realized the pool was empty. The bottom was scorched, but other than that there was no sign of the robots or parts.

“Whew. That was close. Thank you. Now let’s get back inside to see if we can take out CHOCORO.”

“CHOCORO?”

“The one inside. He started all this and trapped me in that room. I created it as a CHOre COmpleteing RObot to help me around the lab, but I gave it too much of an identity. I should have known not to include artificial intelligence on such an advanced shell. Oh well, you live and learn. Let’s go.”

When we went back into the lab we knew something was wrong. The place was empty, no sign of CHOCORO. We searched the house, the back yard and surrounding area with no sign of the missing menace. After a couple hours the Dr. said it was over.

“Over? But the robot? Won’t he keep trying to create more and maybe destroy us?”

“Yeah, probably. It’s someone else’s problem now though. Don’t worry about it. I’ll send an anonymous email to the army. It won’t be the first time I had to warn them about a threat. “

“Wait, what. What else have you done?”

“Oh it’s best if you don’t know. Want a soda? I’m thirsty and need to get the taste of duct tape out of my mouth.”

We went inside and had that soda. It was actually a fun evening after the initial bit of excitement. We hung out and watched TV until late and I headed back home. Just another day when you have a mad scientist for an uncle.


Written in response (sort of) to today’s Daily Prompt: You, Robot you’ve been handed a robot whose sole job is to relieve you of one chore, job, or responsibility you particularly hate. What is it?

 

 

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Amassing phrases

yada-yada-222767_640I looked out only to see it was raining cats and dogs. Getting my brother to run me over to Steve’s house was going to be like pulling teeth. He was going to expect an arm and a leg in return. I knew I would owe him big time and eventually he would be coming to collect, but there was no time to worry about it now. I would just have to tough it out.

Steve had been down for the count recently and could use a little cheering up. So far I was drawing a blank as to what to do, but I was determined to address the elephant in the room. I had always been told every cloud has a silver lining and it was time to find one for Steve.

I needed to go for broke and just hope for the best. It was time he knew just how head over heels in love with him I was. I was going to be swinging for the fences and hoping he would be on the same page. Even if it meant the worst case scenario, I was determined to cut to the chase.

When I arrived I realized it was down to the wire. Sally was over and I knew she had the hots for Steve as well. She was barking up the wrong tree and about to get on my bad side. I was just going to have to burst her bubble and hope she would get the picture, Steve was off-limits.

She had always been the type to make a scene, but I wasn’t going to play games. She would find herself stuck between a rock and a hard place because I always play for keeps. I was going to knuckle down and wait for just the right moment to strike.

I was taking it all in when I noticed something that had been right there under my nose the whole time. Steve was wrapped around the finger of Sally. He was a man of few words, but he was sharing them with her. I was getting the short end of the stick again.

It seemed the jig was up and I had to face the facts. I was always jumping the gun and getting myself into hot water. This was my wake up call, maybe I wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. I needed to quit being so quick on the draw and remember there are other fish in the sea.

Hopefully one day I would be happy as a clam, but for now I needed to keep my eyes peeled and my options open. I couldn’t take many more hits below the belt. I was about to leave when Steve’s brother Shawn came into the picture. He was returning home after a hard day’s work and as soon as I saw him I began foaming at the mouth.

I guess maybe I will never learn my lesson. It’s just not my cup of tea to take a back seat. I always needed to be front and center but maybe it was best to start back at square one. It was time to get back to the drawing board and Shawn would be a great way to break the ice.

One thing for sure I was no longer planning to beat around the bush. There was no need to cry over spilled milk, I just needed to buckle up and get back in the saddle. After all, I couldn’t really expect falling in love to be a piece of cake.


Okay I admit I was at a loss for a post these last few days and I had been thinking about writing a story from phrases for a while. What did you think? It was fun to write it. I hope you enjoyed. Maybe you want to try your own?

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